1. You Actually Remember Your Trip
2. Sober Mornings While Traveling Are Incredible
4. You Experience Destinations More Fully
6. Traveling Sober Is Safer
8. Sober Travel Builds Confidence
10. You Return Home Refreshed
Introducing Sober Gay Adventures NYC
When I first started Sober Gay Adventures, my focus was simple. I wanted to create a space where people could travel together with others in the sober LGBTQ community. I love planning trips, I love showing people around, and I love seeing connection happen when sober people feel safe being themselves. As SGA grows, I imagine travel becoming my main focus and building a team that will support in other areas. For now, it is me as the face of Sober Gay Adventures with a few amazing people helping quietly in the background.
One thing I have always felt was missing in the sober community personally, is more opportunities to just hang out. Meetings are important and the fellowship afterward can be great, but what about the weekends when you want to do something different? Maybe you want to get out of your routine for a few hours, laugh, explore, or just be around other sober people without sitting in a meeting room. Or maybe you are visiting NYC, you know where to find a meeting, but you also want to experience the city with other sober LGBTQ people who understand your journey.
That is where Sober Gay Adventures NYC comes in. I am excited to start offering at cost or no cost sober activities around New York City. These will be weekly events designed for the sober LGBTQ community to connect, explore, and enjoy fellowship beyond the usual after meeting hangout. If you are looking for sober things to do in NYC and want to experience the city with people who value both sobriety and community, Sober Gay Adventures NYC might be exactly what you are looking for. And I am excited to share with you some of the things planned for each month.
Sober Sunday Night Movie
One of the monthly adventures SGA NYC will be offering is a Sober Sunday Night Movie at an AMC theater in the city. Think of it as a low key but fun way to end the weekend with other sober people in NYC. Since it is a school night, movies will start around 5 and no later than 7, so you can enjoy the film, hang out a bit, and still make it home at a reasonable hour. Because theaters usually do not release showtimes until the Tuesday before, exact times will be listed as TBD until they are officially announced.
When you sign up, you will know the movie title and the date. As soon as the showtime drops, I will send out an email with the seat number I picked so we can all sit in the same general area. For now, everyone will grab their own ticket, but down the road I will add the option to pay SGA directly so I can buy tickets together for those who prefer that. Sharing seat numbers also works well for AMC A List members in the sober NYC community who want to use their membership perks.
After the movie, there will be an optional stop at a nearby restaurant or cafe where we can talk about the movie, laugh, and hang out a bit before heading home. This will start as a monthly sober NYC event, but if people love it, we can turn it into a weekly thing or plan special nights around big movie releases. For the first few months, I will choose the movie, and later we can open it up to suggestions or a vote when there are multiple good options.
If you think this is something you would do regularly, the AMC A List pass is $29 a month and lets you see up to four movies a week. If you go even twice a month, it pays for itself. I do not work for AMC or get anything from promoting it. I just genuinely love a good deal and use mine all the time.
Free NYC Culture Pass Events
If you have a New York Public Library card, you already have a golden ticket to some of the best sober NYC experiences around. Through the NYPL Culture Pass program, you can visit museums and attractions across the city for free. Once a month, SGA NYC will pick one of these spots and turn it into a group adventure.
Our first February outing will be a “Night at the Museum” or more accurately an afternoon at the museum. We will be heading to the American Museum of Natural History to wander to see the dinosaurs, stand under the giant whale, and explore all the incredible history packed into that building. Afterward, we can grab coffee nearby or take a stroll through Central Park if the weather allows.
Many Culture Passes allow two or more guests. If you are attending solo and are open to sharing your extra pass with someone who needs one, that would be amazing. It is a great way to welcome visitors or people new to sober NYC and help everyone feel included from the start.
Outdoor Activities
Spring and summer in NYC is where things really open up. As the weather warms up, the city fills with free movies in Bryant Park, concerts in Central Park, dances at Lincoln Center, and countless outdoor events that make New York feel alive.
SGA NYC will also start hosting its own summer adventures. Maybe that looks like a picnic in the park, a game of kickball, a group trip to the Mermaid Parade, or even our own Pride celebration. Big city events can feel overwhelming, but experiencing them together makes them more fun and a lot more comfortable. There really is something powerful about showing up as a group.
Summer can still bring up a little temptation for me. Not like it used to, but it is there. You see people sipping wine in the park or sitting on a sunny bar patio, and the FOMO can sneak in. That is why I try to stay busy and plan things I can genuinely look forward to. Doing that with other sober people in NYC turns summer into something exciting instead of something to get through.
More to Come
This is still a brand new chapter for SGA NYC, so we are building it together as we go. That is part of the fun. Maybe it looks like a weekly coffee hang, a sober happy hour at Hekate, or trying something new like a pottery class or a sober paint and sip. It could be a book club, a yoga class led by someone in the group, or something we have not even thought of yet. The point is that we get to enjoy the same experiences as everyone else in NYC, just with a clear mind.
SGA NYC is always open to ideas. If you see something cool happening in the community or an event coming up that feels like a good fit, let us know. Maybe there is something you have always wanted to host yourself. Reach out and we can talk it through, especially if I am not available to lead the event. My hope is that over time we will have several sober NYC activities happening each week, and that only works if we build it together. If you are willing to help plan or host something, we would love that.
If you are interested in joining us, sign up for the mailing list below. We will send out a monthly calendar of sober NYC events so you always know what is coming up. You can also follow us on Facebook and Instagram for reminders and updates as events are announced. Starting 1/26/26, you can visit the SGA NYC tab on the website to see a full and regularly updated list of events and sign up for your spot. We cannot wait to see you out there and until then, have a sensational sober day.
February Preview
Planning a Solo Sober Adventure in Your Own City: How to Create a Meaningful Sober Day Trip
Not all adventures require a plane ticket. A solo sober adventure in your own city can be just as meaningful as travel. I try to go on a planned solo sober adventure once a week. It gives me something to look forward to at the end of the week, especially when travel is not possible or the funds are a little tight to take a weekend away. It creates a day that feels different from your routine. It becomes a mini escape.
So here are my suggestions for how to plan a solo sober adventure in your own city and turn an ordinary day into something to look forward to.
Decide the Feel of the Sober Adventure You Are Looking For
Before you plan where you are going, ask yourself how you want the day to feel. Do you want something more adventure based? Or maybe you want a more relaxing tone to your day. A lot of my adventures revolve around entertainment like movies and theater.
You can also combine the feel. Maybe you want to start your day with something adventurous and end it with relaxation to wind down. Whatever it may be, try to decide what you are really looking for. There is so much out there to do, and it can feel overwhelming. This is where deciding the feeling helps. When you Google what is going on, you can narrow your options.
I live in NYC, and if you type in “What to do in NYC” on a certain day, you get hundreds of options. But if you type in “adventurous activities in NYC,” you are going to get far fewer results. You are not trying to do everything. You are giving yourself permission to experience something fully.
Write the feeling down and let that guide you.
Choose One Major Activity
A solo sober day adventure does not need to be packed to be meaningful. Choose one main activity that feels special or slightly out of the ordinary. Something to plan your day around.
Maybe it is a movie or show you have been dying to see. Perhaps it is a museum you love. Or maybe it is a yoga class you really enjoy or have wanted to try.This anchor activity gives your day structure. Everything else can be planned around it.
If you plan to eat before or after, you can look at restaurants nearby that you might want to try. Even deciding what kind of food you want matters. What you eat after a yoga class versus after a movie can feel very different. If you are going on a hike, you are probably going to want something more filling to keep your energy up.
Knowing your main activity helps the rest of the plan to fall into place.
Plan the Day Like You Would a Trip
One of the most powerful parts of a solo sober day adventure is treating your city like a destination, even when you are staying close to home. Look up opening times. Save a few places on a map. Decide what time you want to leave the house. Plan where you might eat. Make a loose itinerary.
This is not about overplanning. It is about building anticipation. The same excitement you feel before a trip can exist before a Saturday in your own city.When you have something planned, even something simple, it gives you something to look forward to.
When you are about to go on a trip, people always ask what you are going to do. It is exciting to hear about vacation plans. So why can’t we bring that same energy to our weekends?
A friend at work asks me about my weekends all the time and always says things like, “Your weekends are always so exciting,” or “You do the coolest things.” And why not? Just because we do not have a big trip planned does not mean we cannot have an exciting day or two each week.
Make It Sober on Purpose
Choosing sober-friendly activities is key when planning a solo sober adventure. 
Part of what makes this a sober adventure is choosing experiences that support your sobriety instead of challenging it. Try to avoid activities with a heavy party vibe when you are on your own. Make it something that celebrates your sobriety. Let people see that being sober can be fun.
I still go to bars, concerts, and clubs, but those are not usually solo sober adventures. I am usually with someone who is also sober or who respects my sobriety enough not to pressure me to drink or get wasted in front of me. There is a time and place for those events, but they are not always the best choice for a solo sober day.
This is not about avoidance. It is about self respect. You are designing a day that works for you and celebrates your sobriety.
End It With a Treat and Some Reflection
End your adventure with a treat. Maybe it is a pastry from a bakery you love. Maybe it is something special you have had your eye on. Or maybe it is as simple as a Snickers from the corner store. It does not need to be expensive. It just needs to be something that makes you feel good.
As you enjoy that treat, take a moment to reflect on your day.What surprised you? What were you grateful for? How did sobriety show up for you? This can be a quick thought in your head, a journal entry, or even something you share on social media. You never know who it might inspire to start taking their own solo sober adventures.
Reflection turns a simple day into a memory. These small adventures create joy in sobriety. Taking time to appreciate them, with a little treat on the side, only makes you more excited for the next one.
Solo Sober Adventures Should Be Something to Look Forward To
A solo sober day adventure is a reminder that your life does not have to be on hold until the next big trip or major change. Sober living still leaves room for excitement, curiosity, and fun.
You can create meaningful moments right now, right where you are.
When Friday comes and you know you have planned something just for you, the week ends differently. You are not only excited that work is over. You are excited because you have something to look forward to.
Adventure is not always about going somewhere far. Sometimes it starts the moment you step out your own front door.
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What Sobriety Gave Me That Alcohol Promised
Confidence. Relaxation. Friendship. Fun. Celebration.
These are the words I used to associate with drinking. As a shy gay man, I thought I needed alcohol to loosen up, to make friends, and honestly, just to have fun. For me, it became a trickle down excuse to avoid getting sober. I told myself that if I quit drinking, I would not have the confidence to meet people because I would not be relaxed enough to talk to someone. Then I would not have the friendships to have fun with, and that would mean I would not have anyone around to celebrate milestones with.
All of these things I imagined alcohol would give me were, well… bullshit.
And yet, when I finally stopped drinking, I found all of them in sobriety.
The Confidence Sobriety Gave Me That Alcohol Never Did
I am an introvert in many ways, but an extrovert in certain situations. My confidence was always tied to my profession. I was an actor, and a good one, so on stage I could exude confidence effortlessly. If someone needed direction or wanted me to show them around, I could guide them through New York City like a professional.
Where I lacked confidence was in my social life. Rejection in auditions or from someone I was performing for was fine. But the fear of rejection from a new friend or a potential partner sent me spiraling inward. I could not handle personal rejection, and I believed alcohol was the only thing that could help me manage it.
While I was in active use, I thought I was not cute enough, not funny enough, or not likable enough. Let’s be honest, the gay bar scene can be pretty petty. I would see guys with the so called perfect body or overly confident personalities, and I needed booze to make me think I was like them. I thought I was more attractive after a few drinks. I had the confidence to talk to guys I normally would not. But eventually I would get rejected anyway, usually because I was a drunk idiot. And let’s be honest, I did not get prettier as I drank more. No one does.
In sobriety, I have more confidence in myself. Do I still have self doubt? Absolutely. Do I still get insecure around guys I find attractive? Of course. But I now have the confidence to message someone I normally would not have on a dating app. I dated someone for a few months that the old me could not have talked to without booze.
My confidence in being interesting and funny is no longer my biggest insecurity. If someone is not interested in me as a friend or partner, I can brush it off and say our personalities were not the right match and move on. And I can honestly say that only happened because I got sober.
I Can Finally Relax in Sobriety
It is so common to finish a stressful workday and think, I cannot wait to have a drink and relax. Or to say, I needed this after the day I had. I was definitely one of those people. Honestly, any day, good or bad, was a reason for me to drink. Like many people, I drank to unwind.
The truth is, we are not unwinding. We are numbing. The stress from work does not disappear. It just waits for you the next day. Alcohol might temporarily improve your mood, but I always woke up with a headache or a hangover, stressed about what might have happened the night before. I worried someone at work would smell alcohol on my breath. That is how I started most mornings, stressed and hungover. And blackouts made it even worse. I would spend the day worrying about what I said or did.
In sobriety, stress still exists, but I handle it better. I can sit with it. I use things like meditation to relax. I have replaced booze with music, movies, and a nice cup of tea. When I leave work now, I do not carry the stress with me the same way. Sometimes I am tired or a little crabby, but I am able to leave most of the stress at the door.
Most importantly, I wake up without the added anxiety of the night before. For the most part, I feel relaxed and grounded. And it feels really good.
My Friend Group Is Now Quality Over Quantity
The bar scene made me envious of guys who seemed to have a ton of friends. I would usually walk in alone and see groups of gay men enjoying each other’s company. That was what I wanted. I did have friends, but they were from different parts of my life and never really overlapped.
I wanted that Sex and the City style friendship. I wanted to walk into a bar and have people excited to see me, even if they were not part of a core group. What I really wanted was a TV version of friendship.
When I first got sober, I did find that group in the form of the Heathers. Yes, we were a very stereotypical group of gay men named after a campy 80s movie. They were already formed when I joined, so I was kind of the outsider at first. But they were not mean at all. They accepted me for who I was, and they were genuinely fun.
I also found an amazing group of LGBTQ people at my Tuesday meeting who would go out together afterward. Even after I moved from Minneapolis to New York, many of them stayed in touch.
The number of friends I have has not changed. My sober friends replaced my drinking friends. The difference is the connection. It is deeper. My friendships are no longer just surface level conversations about pop culture or who we think is hot. Yes, we still talk about those things, but we also talk about life, recovery, and what we are going through. We support each other.
When I was drinking, a lot of friends would disappear if someone more attractive came along. That does not happen now.
Believe It or Not, I Have More Fun in Sobriety
Many people who are newly sober say things like, I am afraid I will get bored or sobriety sounds boring. I was one of those people. I had no idea what I would do outside of the bar scene. How was I going to do anything without a drink?
Not going to lie, drinking can be fun. We did not start drinking because it made us feel bad. We did it because it gave us a buzz and made things easier. It gave us courage, helped us socialize, and helped us unwind. But that fun is short lived. If you are an alcoholic, it eventually becomes habit and work.
In sobriety, I have had more fun than I did when I was drinking. Probably more fun than I have had since I picked up my first drink. I do fun things all the time. I truly enjoy simple plans like going to the movies. I appreciate low key experiences more than parties.
Since quitting drinking, my mind is clearer and more positive, which means almost anything can be fun. Do I still get bored sometimes? Yes. Do I occasionally wish I could still get tipsy? Sure. But I acknowledge it, move on, and find something else to enjoy. Theater, movies, drawing, writing. The list goes on.
Sobriety is about retraining your brain around what fun actually is. It takes time, but once you get there, it really is fun.
The Celebrations Are Abundant in Sobriety
Early in my sobriety, this part worried me the most. Alcohol promised celebration. Birthday parties, drinks after a promotion, wine for anniversaries. I forgot that you can celebrate without booze.
But you celebrate so much in sobriety. Not just your own milestones, but other people’s too. In meetings, someone shares they have a day sober and everyone cheers. Someone hits a year and the room celebrates. I once shared that I had seven months and six days sober, and people started clapping in the middle of my share.
Every day is a celebration in sobriety. It is celebrating your accomplishments, getting your life back, and watching others succeed. That joy is real and fulfilling.
Special occasions are better too. People show up to my birthday parties, and I do not embarrass myself. When I have a going away party, people are genuinely sad to see me leave. Whether it is a milestone or a small win, there always seems to be someone ready to celebrate you. That is an incredible feeling.
Alcohol Promised a Lot, But Sobriety Delivered
Alcohol promised confidence, relaxation, friendship, fun, and celebration. In the beginning, it seemed to deliver. But none of it was real. It was surface level and easily taken away.
Sobriety did not magically fix everything overnight. I still struggle with confidence sometimes. Life is still stressful. Boredom still happens. Loneliness still exists. Celebrations do not always feel joyful when you are dealing with personal challenges. That is just life.
But living a sober life has given me far more than alcohol ever did. My mind is clearer. I can handle stress better. I remember the fun nights and the celebrations. And when things are hard, I am actually present for them.
None of this happens overnight. Sobriety takes time and work. But what you get in return is real. And it is worth it.
Surviving the Holidays Sober
Surviving the Holidays Sober
The holidays can be tough for a lot of people, and they can be especially hard for anyone in recovery. This time of year can bring up a lot of emotions and can lead to a higher risk of relapse. For some it is the loneliness that hits during the season. For others it is the pressure of holiday parties and the endless glasses of wine being poured everywhere you look. Whatever the reason, surviving the holidays sober can feel difficult. So here are some suggestions that I use myself to stay grounded and avoid the temptations that usually show up this time of year.
Be Honest
Be honest with the people in your life if you are trying to survive the holidays sober. Not everyone is as open about their sobriety as I am, and that is totally fine. But I do encourage you to be honest with at least a couple people you trust. They do not have to be sober themselves. They just need to care about you. My parents are not sober, but they want me to succeed. Same with a few close friends.
It is important to let people know what is going on. When I was invited to a holiday party last year, I simply told my friend, “I am struggling and I need to put my sobriety first.” He told me he respected that and suggested we meet up the next week instead. No hurt feelings. Just understanding.
And honesty goes both ways. You need to be honest with yourself too. If you are struggling during the holidays, recognize it. If you need help, say so. Call someone. Let them know you are having a tough time and need support. If you have even the slightest thought about drinking at an event, be honest with yourself and do not go. I do not think honesty is always the best policy in every situation in life, but when it comes to sobriety during the holidays, it definitely is.
Avoid That Family Member Who Triggers You
Most of us have at least one family member who gets under our skin. And in the current political climate some of those family members can push you right into wanting a drink. Others may not support your decision to quit drinking and might even try to convince you to “take a night off.” Whatever the situation, it is usually best to avoid them as much as possible.
You cannot always say “It is them or me” at a family event, but you can keep your distance. If you have someone in your family or chosen family who supports your sobriety, stick close to them. Let them know ahead of time that you need them to be your wing person.
You will not always be able to avoid being in the same room as someone who triggers you, but you can find ways to exit the conversation. Pretend you got a text and step away to make a call. Offer to help in the kitchen. Keep yourself busy. Or be direct and say “I am not here to talk about that today” if they try to start an argument. Be polite, but move on quickly. There are always ways to remove yourself from a conversation that could put your sobriety at risk.
Go To A Meeting
I know not everyone is a twelve step person. That is totally okay. I happen to be, but I do not think it is the only way to get sober. That said, AA teaches that the only requirement for membership is the desire to stop drinking. So whether you are a twelve stepper or not, those doors are open to anyone who wants to stay sober.
If the pressure of the holidays is getting to you, go to a meeting. Being around other sober people is one of the things I appreciate most about AA. It reminds me I am not alone. I can share that I am struggling, and usually someone will talk to me afterward and help me get out of my own head. Meetings help me reset and find my footing again.
I am not going to tell non AA people, “Who knows, maybe you will change your mind about it.” That is not my place. I do not think there is a wrong way to stay sober if it is working for you. But I will say that being around other sober people helps. And you never know who you will meet or what connections you might make.
You Might Have to Skip the Party
Holiday parties can be fun. They give you a chance to catch up with family members you rarely see or unwind with co workers outside the office. There is nothing wrong with going. Being sober does not mean you have to be boring. But it does mean you will sometimes find yourself in situations that can affect your recovery.
Right now as I write this I would feel fine walking into a holiday party with an open bar. I am confident enough to resist the temptation. I could not say that last year when I was struggling to find a job and a place to live after moving back to NYC. There were moments where I felt like I was white knuckling it. I had to skip a few gatherings because I was afraid I might say “screw it” and take that first drink.
Sometimes we have to miss the party to survive the holidays sober. And yes, sometimes it sucks. But if your recovery feels shaky or you know you are in a vulnerable place, it might be worth skipping that one night to protect everything you have worked for. The fear of missing out is real, but for me the fear of taking that first drink is just as real. If I do not feel confident or do not have someone who will hold me accountable, I would rather miss the event than throw away my hard work.
Try Not to Be Alone
Being alone during the holidays can be one of the biggest triggers for people in recovery. If being alone is something that affects you, try to surround yourself with others whenever you can. I know I mentioned AA already, but if you do not want that, go to a cafe or see a movie. Just being around other people can help more than you might think.
Reach out to a friend who supports you. I personally hate asking for help, but it has become an important part of my sobriety. If I am struggling, I let people know I need a hang or some company. Even if you do not want to explain exactly what is going on, you can still ask someone if they have time to meet for coffee or take a walk.
The season is busy, so do not take it personally if someone cannot meet right away. Find your person who is there when you need them. Someone who will go shopping with you or grab a coffee. Being alone is a major trigger for many people, so do what you can to avoid it if it affects you.
Staying Strong Through the Season
Surviving the holidays sober is not always easy, but it is absolutely possible. This time of year can bring up stress, old patterns, and emotions you may not expect, but it can also bring moments of connection, growth, and pride in how far you have come. Remember that you do not have to do any of this alone. Reach out when you need support. Lean on the people who show up for you. Protect your peace even if it means skipping something or setting a boundary. Every choice you make to stay sober during the holidays is a reminder of your strength and the life you are building. And that is something worth celebrating.
Do you have any suggestions for staying sober during the holidays? Comment below!
Sober Holiday Gift Guide
Sober Holiday Gift Ideas: Meaningful Gifts for the Sober People in Your Life
The holidays are a time for joy and connection, and for people in the sober community, they can also be a reminder of how far we have come. Whether someone is newly sober or many years into their journey, thoughtful gifts can offer encouragement, comfort, and celebration during a season that can sometimes be overwhelming or triggering. This sober holiday gift guide is here to lift up the sober people in your life with gifts that support wellness, creativity, mindfulness, and fun. Whether you are shopping for a friend, a family member, or even yourself, these ideas can help you find the perfect sober holiday gift that truly means something.
*I am NOT affiliated with any of the links on this page. I do not get a commission or work for any of these companies except SGA.
1. A Movie Pass
Most movie theaters now offer monthly passes at a surprisingly affordable price. I currently have the AMC A List Pass which costs twenty eight dollars a month and includes up to four movies every week. For people in sobriety, going to the movies is an easy and enjoyable activity that feels both safe and social. It gives us something fun to look forward to that has nothing to do with alcohol. For true movie lovers like me, it is honestly one of the best gifts you can give. Whether you choose a single month, six months, or a full year, a movie pass is a sober holiday gift that your friend will appreciate again and again.
2. Calm App Subscription
I mention the Calm app simply because it is the one I personally use and love, but any meditation or wellness app makes an amazing sober holiday gift. If the sober person in your life works a twelve step program, then meditation and prayer are central parts of their journey. A meditation app can help guide them through Step Eleven, offer peaceful background music, introduce sound baths, or help them fall asleep with soothing stories. It is a gift that promotes healing and daily spiritual growth. A subscription is a thoughtful way to support someone who is committed to staying grounded and centered.
3. A Journal
Journaling has been a huge part of my sobriety. I love sitting down with a beautiful journal and letting my thoughts out on the page. If your friend enjoys writing, reflecting, or planning, a high quality journal makes a wonderful sober holiday gift. There are gorgeous leather journals, journals made specifically for people in recovery, and guided journals created for the first ninety days of sobriety. There are also journals designed for people with multiple years under their belt. No matter where someone is in their sober journey, a journal can help them process emotions, track progress, and stay connected to themselves.
4. Throw an NA Holiday Party
If you are sober yourself, you might already do this. But if you are a supportive friend or family member, consider hosting an alcohol free holiday party to show your love. When I first got sober, the holidays were incredibly tough. Wine at dinner, mimosas in the morning, and alcohol everywhere I turned. I never expected anyone to stop drinking just because I could not, but having a small gathering before the big holiday events would have made such a difference. A simple sober friendly party gives your friend a space to relax, laugh, and enjoy the season without pressure or temptation. It is a heartfelt sober holiday gift that costs very little but means a lot.
5. A Gratitude List
Gratitude is an essential part of sobriety. If you are on a budget or simply want to give something personal, writing a list of things you appreciate about your sober friend is a deeply meaningful sober holiday gift. It is incredibly powerful for someone who is new in recovery, but it is equally touching for people with many years of sobriety. A gratitude list says I see you and I value you, which can be exactly what someone needs to hear during the holiday season.
6. A Sober Date Tattoo
I do not have tattoos myself, but so many people in sobriety choose to get their sober date tattooed on their arm or wrist as a daily reminder of their new life. It gives them something to look at when they need grounding or encouragement. If your sober friend has some time under their belt, ask if they have ever wanted a tattoo to mark the day they changed their life. Offering to pay for it or helping them plan the design can be a very special and personal sober holiday gift.
7. A Sober Playlist
A great sober holiday gift that costs almost nothing is a curated playlist. I grew up in the eighties and nineties, and I loved making mixtapes. Since no one has a cassette player anymore, playlists are the next best thing. There are so many inspiring songs about sobriety, resilience, and recovery. Music has a way of lifting you up when you need it the most. If you want a starting point, sign up for my email list and I will send you ten of my favorite sober songs.
*If you would like to get the 10 songs about sobriety to start your sober playlist click here and type the word “music” in the message box.
8. A Sober Advent Calendar
When I used to think of advent calendars, I pictured the ones filled with bottles of alcohol. But advent calendars originally featured sweets or small gifts, and thankfully there are now many sober friendly versions. Some great options include a Palais des Thes advent calendar with a new tea for each day or the Keurig advent calendar that gives you a different coffee pod every morning. There are many choices that match different tastes and personalities. It might be late in the season for this one, but there is always next year. A sober advent calendar makes a unique sober holiday gift that brings a little joy every single day.
9. Buy an NA Bottle
This one depends entirely on the person and how they feel about alcohol free drinks. Always ask first. Many people in recovery enjoy alcohol free beers, wines, and spirits. If you are in New York City, a classmate of mine opened a wonderful alcohol free bottle shop in Brooklyn called Minus Moonshine. They have amazing options, and many can be shipped online. For the right person, an alcohol free drink can be a fun and thoughtful sober holiday gift that lets them celebrate without the risk.
10. A Museum Membership
If you have a sober art lover in your life, a museum membership is a beautiful and peaceful sober holiday gift. It gives them unlimited access to exhibits, quiet spaces, and creativity whenever they need an escape. Most museum memberships cost around one hundred dollars or less. I have been thinking about getting one myself because it is such a calming way to step out of the chaos of the city. A membership offers inspiration all year long.
11. Sweets and Treats
Many people in sobriety develop a sweet tooth. I hear it all the time, and it absolutely happened to me. A box of their favorite chocolates or treats is always a safe and delightful sober holiday gift. My personal favorite is the Chocolate Passport from Trader Joes. It includes eight chocolates from around the world for a very reasonable price. They are seasonal, so grab one for your friend and maybe one for yourself too.
12. Scrapbook of Their Sober Journey
I have friends who have known me since kindergarten. They have seen the highs and the lows of my story. If you are close to someone in sobriety, creating a scrapbook that celebrates their progress can be incredibly meaningful. Include photos, memories, notes, and moments that show how proud you are of them. A scrapbook is a personal and emotional sober holiday gift that honors their journey and reminds them of how far they have come.
13. Specialty Coin
When I celebrated one year of sobriety, a friend surprised me with a sparkly pride coin to mark the milestone. I still have it. Today you can design custom recovery coins that reflect a person’s personality and interests. If someone you love has a sober anniversary in December, this is a perfect sober holiday gift. Even if it is not their anniversary, a personalized coin is still a powerful way to celebrate their accomplishments. You can design something themed around Broadway, Stranger Things, travel, or anything that represents who they are.
For this particular coin click HERE.
14. Give Them an Experience
As I mentioned in my Five Fun Things To Do In Sobriety, I love the theater. So if your sober friend loves the theater, bring them to a show. If they love baseball, take them to a game. I have never cared much for material things. I am a minimalist, so experiences always mean more to me than physical items. Experiences also help create new memories that are not tied to alcohol. Many sober people have old associations that can be triggering. I used to get a triple wine at the theater, so returning to those spaces took time. Having a friend beside you makes everything safer and more enjoyable. An experience is a wonderful and thoughtful sober holiday gift.
15. Inspiring Books
There are so many incredible sober books out there, both in and outside of the AA world. A few titles that have helped me and many others are Drop the Rock, The Naked Mind, and The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober. When it comes to memoirs, I always recommend Dry, Wild, and The Outrun. If you have a reader in your life, these books make fantastic additions to a sober holiday gift guide. Books offer comfort, knowledge, and a reminder that none of us are doing this alone.
16. Buy Them Entry to a Round Up
If you are not familiar with the term, a round up is basically a sober conference. Some have panels, all have speakers, and the goal is to bring sober people together to laugh, learn, and feel supported. Most major cities host one or two round ups each year. Buying someone an entry pass is a meaningful sober holiday gift that shows you care about their recovery and community. Tickets usually range from twenty five to one hundred dollars. And if you are sober too, go with them. It becomes a shared experience and a great bonding moment.
17. A Coupon Book
Remember the coupon books we used to make as kids for our parents? They could trade them in for a hug or for us to fold the laundry. Honestly, they are still fun as adults. You can create coupons for home cooked meals, rides to meetings, movie nights, hikes, or even just a long conversation. They cost almost nothing to make, but they are a thoughtful sober holiday gift that shows your friend you care in a real and personal way.
18. Sober Swag
There is so much great sober swag out there, and it makes a fun and uplifting sober holiday gift. If you have someone who is loud and proud about their recovery, consider getting them clothing or accessories that celebrate their sobriety. Brands like Sober is Sexy and Loosid offer empowering and stylish options that can brighten someone’s day. It is an easy way to give a sober holiday gift that feels personal, positive, and supportive.
19. A Class or Workshop
One of the best parts of sobriety is rediscovering hobbies and passions. You can help your friend explore something new by gifting them a class. It could be pottery, photography, painting, cooking, yoga, strength training, or truly anything they have mentioned wanting to try. Learning something new builds confidence and gives them something fun and healthy to look forward to. A class is a thoughtful and enriching sober holiday gift that supports growth and joy.
20. Buy Them a Sober Gay Adventures Gift Certificate
I get it, a five thousand dollar trip is not something most people can buy as a holiday gift. But this year Sober Gay Adventures is offering gift certificates that can help someone get closer to a once in a lifetime experience. The certificates range from one hundred dollars to six thousand dollars so you can choose whatever fits your budget. If your sober friend has been dreaming about travel, connection, and spending time in a safe sober friendly environment, this is an incredible sober holiday gift. And who knows, maybe you will join them and make it an adventure you both remember forever.
*For more information emai admin@sobergayadventures.com
Celebrating Sobriety With Great Gifts
The holidays can be a strange mix of magic and stress, especially for people in recovery. And while gifts are not the point of sobriety, the right sober holiday gift can remind someone that they are supported, seen, and celebrated. Whether you choose something cozy, practical, creative, or inspiring, every gift on this list carries the same message. You matter. Your sobriety matters. Your joy matters.
The best part is that a sober holiday gift does not need to be expensive or complicated. It only needs to come from a place of love, respect, and understanding. If you are shopping for a sober friend or family member this season, remember that your presence and support are already a gift. Everything else is simply a bonus.
Enjoy the season, celebrate the progress, and spread kindness wherever you can. Sobriety is a beautiful journey, and the holidays are a perfect reminder of how far we have come and how much we have to look forward to.
Do you have any sober holiday gift ideas to add? Share them in the comments below.
5 Fun Things to Do in Sobriety
When I first got sober, my biggest worry wasn’t actually staying sober. It wasn’t even the idea of never drinking again. What really scared me was the thought that I wouldn’t have fun anymore.
If you’ve read my story, you know I’d been trying to get sober for a while. By the time it finally stuck, I was exhausted—tired of feeling terrible, tired of the cycle, just done. So the fear of drinking again wasn’t really the issue. What lingered, though, was the question: What does fun look like without alcohol?
Would anyone want to hang out with the sober guy? Would I even enjoy anything without a buzz?
Over time, I started discovering new things that kept me entertained, connected, and actually excited about life. And now, these have become part of my weekly routine.
Here are five sober adventures I take almost every week.
5: The Movies
I know it’s a pretty common sober activity, but I go to the movies a lot. And before you say, “But movies are so expensive,” hear me out, because if you can spare under $30 a month, you can basically see everything that hits theaters.
AMC has a monthly membership called A-List that lets you see up to four movies a week for just $28. And just to be clear, I’m not sponsored by AMC—it’s simply one of the best deals out there. Go to two movies and the membership has already paid for itself. If you’re anything like me, and you love both movies and the whole theater experience, you might actually end up going three or four times a week.
I love going on my own, but I also host the occasional sober Sunday movie night. And if you can get a group together, it’s an amazing way to connect with others in your local sober community.
4. Rediscover Live Entertainment
In my 20s and 30s, I was an actor, so theater has always been a big part of my life. But when I was drinking, most of my money went toward bottles of wine or vodka and nights out. I still wanted to see shows, but the bar always won.
When I got sober, I made a promise to myself: one show a month. Over time, and especially after moving back to NYC, that turned into one show a week. Sometimes it’s Broadway, sometimes it’s a free performance at the library. The point is, I go. Movies give me something fun to look forward to during the week, and theater gives me something to look forward to when the workweek wraps up.
And maybe theater isn’t your thing. That’s fine, find your version of it. Go to a concert, a sports game, a comedy show, whatever lights you up. Just get out there and start doing the things you used to push aside because drinking or using always came first
3. Find a Hobbie or Return to an Old One
Sobriety is the perfect time to reconnect with the parts of yourself you set aside along the way. Maybe there’s something you always said you’d do “one day,” or an old passion you haven’t touched in years. Choose one and explore it.
Learn guitar. Start running. Take dance lessons. Join an LGBTQ hiking group. Sign up for a writing workshop at the library. Grow a garden. Pick up photography. Whatever sparks excitement or passion and brings you back to your old self.
When drinking was the priority, hobbies were the first things to disappear for me. Sobriety gave me the space to start fresh. I began writing again, trained for and ran a half marathon, and even learned to play the ukulele (not well, but joyfully). And that’s the point, there’s no pressure, no perfection. Just fun. Just growth. Just something that’s me.
4. Host Sober Social Nights
You don’t need alcohol to have a social life you just need a couple of people and creativity. Gather some sober and sober supportive friends and rotate themed nights or meet once a month.
Game nights
Awards Nights Parties
Movie Nights
Cookie Baking Night
Book Club
Connection is a huge part of recovery, and creating alcohol-free spaces gives you and others a chance to bond without the awkwardness of navigating drinking environments.
- Plan a Sober Adventure with SGA or Another Sober Friendly Trip.
Have something to look forward to. Have something to work toward. Sober Gay Adventures is offering two trips this summer designed to give LGBTQ people in sobriety a safe, fun way to travel together. One is our group trip to Italy, and the other is a yoga and meditation retreat in Crete, Greece.
But maybe our trips aren’t exactly what you’re searching for. Fellow-ship hosts sober-friendly travel experiences. Gay and Sober and Here Queer Sober offer conferences where you can connect with others, learn, and explore different aspects of your recovery. And in most major cities, you’ll find local round-ups if you’re part of a 12-step program.
Whether you join Sober Gay Adventures or choose something entirely different, give yourself something meaningful to plan for. It might be a big trip, a local event, or even a getaway with friends you already know. Whatever it looks like, find something exciting to look forward to and build toward.
Of course, there’s more to sobriety than having fun and those things still matter. Whether it’s working the steps, going to meetings, making gratitude lists, meditating, or whatever keeps you grounded, those practices are essential.
But having fun is important too, especially in early sobriety. So make space for it. Create it. Because sobriety is fun, it’s just a different kind of fun than maybe you’re used to. You had fun before drinking, now you just need to find it minus the booze.
Give yourself permission to enjoy this new version of life.
Putting Sobriety First
As I said in my sober story this isn’t my first time getting sober, but it is the longest. One thing my sponsor told me in one of my many attempts of getting sober was “you need to put your sobriety first”. At the time I was closed off to this idea and made every excuse to not like this statement. For one thing, I wasn’t ready to get sober. I knew I had a problem but wasn’t truly convinced. And another, I didn’t like this idea of putting the people I love behind something that I didn’t really love myself. But since I now love being sober, I thought I would go deeper into what putting sobriety first really means to me.
What Is Putting Sobriety First?
Putting sobriety first is exactly what it says. I am lucky to have a supportive family both in being sober but also being a gay man. But if your family isn’t like mine, maybe that means skipping holidays that might trigger you to drink. If you have that closed minded uncle that is going to say something that upsets you, it’s okay to have a boundary. It’s okay to say that you aren’t coming to Christmas if Uncle Frank is going to be there. Will it hurt your family, maybe, but if this person words are going to affect your sobriety, ask to have an alternate day to celebrate together without him. You can be thankful and eat a big meal together 365 days a year. It doesn’t have to be on that specific holiday.
Same goes for birthdays and anniversaries. If you’re invited to a party that you know is going to be filled with people drinking all through the night, and you aren’t comfortable with that, it’s okay to decline. If your friend is truly a friend, they will understand putting your sobriety first. Once again, you don’t have to celebrate someone being born on the day they are born. In fact, we should be celebrating the people in our life on the days besides their birthdays. But I know those people who think their birthdays are the most important days of the year. If that’s your friend, offer to take them to breakfast or buy them coffee. Give that friend the birthday or anniversary gift of your friendship first. And if that means skipping their party, they most likely will understand.
Will people be hurt by this? Maybe. But what is the point of hurting yourself for a party or a holiday. When I got sober this last time, I didn’t really attend any social functions that had any alcohol involved. You’re fragile in the first few months of sobriety. Right now I am in a good place in my sobriety, but that’s not going to always be the situation. I’m going to have something happen in my life that is going to make me want to say, “Screw it.” And that’s the time when I am going to have to put my sobriety first and maybe skip something I really want to go to.
Without Sobriety I Don't Have The People I Love
When I say I didn’t like the idea of putting my family and friends before my sobriety, I meant it. And I came up with every excuse and extreme scenario as why I don’t like the term “put your sobriety first”. Seriously, I at one point I said, “Well what if there is a gun to my mom’s head and she can only live if I drink.” It sounds stupid now. But, at the moment I was trying to find any excuse to not like this statement. Of course, in this very, very, VERY unlikely scenario I would save my mom’s life.
But all silliness aside, what he was trying to say was you have to put your sobriety first to save the relationships you have. My parents and I have always had a close connection. I call them every week while I am traveling, we have open conversations about different topics, and they have been my number one fan not only in sobriety, but in life. My mom always says, “I always loved you, but I didn’t like you very much when you were drinking.” Which it’s great to have someone that always loves you, but if they don’t like spending time with you what’s the point.
I have lost friends because of my drinking. My decline in engagement with people in my life was my fault. One because I isolated myself, but also, I wasn’t fun to be around. I was a real-life Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Being fun at one moment and not so nice the next. Easily offended and hot tempered over little things. And in my sobriety, I can take a step back, breath, and have a conversation about the topic. By putting my sobriety first I can have an actual relationship with the people I love.
Don't Isolate
Now just because I said that you should skip somethings to put your sobriety first, doesn’t mean you should be alone. Loneliness is a big trigger in my drinking. I was lucky to find a sober tribe early in this go around but that wasn’t always the case. Even though I said you can celebrate any day of the year, I also acknowledge that the holidays are hard for people to be alone. Personally, holidays are just a day to me, but I know that’s not the case for everyone.
There are a ton of options out there. Ask a friend who will be in town if you can join their celebration, go to a meeting that has fellowship afterwards, and a lot of cities have events for people who are in sobriety that are alone on the holidays. As someone that doesn’t care for events where there are a lot of people I don’t know, I realize this can be hard. But what’s harder is returning to sobriety.
I know a lot of people that jump right back on the horse after a slip. But my personal experience, so I can only speak for myself, is there is a shame that comes along with relapse. And even though people in sobriety say that you just have to start over, it’s not always that easy. You feel like you not only disappointed them, but yourself. And so even though people tell you not to feel shameful, doesn’t mean that the thought isn’t there. Also, when I relapsed, my mind convinced me I didn’t have a problem because I only had a few drinks, not nearly as bad as I used to drink. So, putting yourself in what might seem like an uncomfortable situation to save your sobriety, might save it. And I guarantee you that someone there is feeling just as uncomfortable as you. So go to these events that are out there, ask to be invited, and if nothing else go to a movie or something. At lease you’re with people.
Putting Sobriety First Doesn't Equal Boring
As I was writing this, I realized that this sounds like putting sobriety first sounds kind of lame. You might not get to go to certain parties and celebrate, you might have to miss holidays and events, but that’s not what I am saying at all. Just like you have to shift your brain away from drinking or drugs, you have to also shift your brain to what is fun and exciting. I am almost at 500 days sober as I write this, and I have more fun this past year than I have all those years drinking. And I remember everything. Have there been times when I had to sit in a boringness? Yes. That’s life. But there is fun in putting sobriety first.
There is a sober group for everything now. If you are reading this, I assume you have access to the internet, so find that group. Make friends with similar interest. I’m part of a Facebook group that goes to theater, movies, and concerts together. If you like sports, gaming, cooking, whatever it may be, there is a group of sober people out there that likes it. If there isn’t, start one. Go into the sober groups and say “Hey. I’m sober and wondering if anyone is interested in…” This allows you to meet people who have a similar struggle as you but also a thing you love.
Yeah, you might not to get to go drink that beer with your friend Barney at the game, but you can go enjoy the game with Fred without the booze. I used to go to RuPaul Drag Race nights and have a new drink in my hand at each commercial break. Now I go to my friends, and we laugh and talk about the show the same way, just minus the vodka. My parents have asked me if it’s okay if they still have mimosas at Christmas, and I said of course, I even got a sparkling NA beverage to not feel left out. And if I asked them not to, they would have omitted the champagne from the holiday. The majority of people want you to succeed and if they don’t, do you really want them in your life?
The point is, putting sobriety first isn’t boring. There was a time where you had fun without alcohol before, now you just have to find that fun again. I returned to a lot of things I always wanted to do when I was drinking or things I missed out on. I’m a theater guy, and so that money I would usually put into the bars, I put into the experience at the theater or going to the movies. Parties without drinking are just as fun as those with alcohol, we have just been trained to thinking drinking is fun, when in reality you’re just masking a genuine conversation and experience by a mind-altering substance that makes you feel like crap the next day.
Putting Sobriety First Isn't Easy
Putting your sobriety first isn’t easy, but either is getting sober. If we’ve gotten to a certain point in our lives where you are sober or thinking of getting sober, there is a reason. And usually, it comes down to unhappiness in life. And guess what else isn’t easy? Happiness. That’s a whole different subject that I will write about later. But if Uncle Frank is going to disrupt your sobriety or your best friend Cathy is going to be mad at you because you put your sobriety first over her birthday party. Screw them.
It’s hard to say no to the people you love. I missed a wedding, because it was someone I associated with in a different life. There were going to be people there that I really didn’t want to see. We had reconciled after me getting sober, but the friendship wasn’t the same. And I am extremely happy she found someone she loves. But being around a lot of drinking and pot on my own wasn’t something I felt great about. And I know she supports me in my sobriety, but I made a choice for me. Just like you must make the choice for you.
You might think that it’s selfish. And in a way it is. But me drinking a lot and putting friendships and family life at stake over a martini is way more selfish than missing a wedding or birthday party. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing. But being selfish is hard, because we were taught it was bad. That’s not saying cut all ties with people, it’s just saying cut ties with the things associated with that person that leads to using again.
In Conclusion
At the end of the day this is just an opinion piece. These are suggestions on how to put your sobriety first. My way of getting sober is different from others. I do think sobriety is fluid. One day you think you got this, but the next you could be questioning everything you have been working for. If you feel confident when you RSVP to that to that party, you might not be feeling the same the day of. Use your sobriety like people use their kids to get out things (parents I know you do this), say your sobriety isn’t feeling well today. Maybe not in those words but explain what’s going on. I think that most people will understand
*If you are having group with sobriety, please reach out to me and I will give you any resources I may have. My email is at the bottom of the page, and I am here to help, just like the people that didn’t know me helped me.
Want to take a trip with us. Check out SGA’s trips to London to Paris, Italy Tour, and Crete, Greece Meditation Retreat.
5 Ways To Stay Sober While Traveling
Staying sober while traveling isn’t easy. You are bombarded with vacation ads romanticizing drinking, alcohol is constantly offered to you on the plane, at your restaurant, and hotel, and gay vacations usually revolve around the party aspect of gay culture. And with this all being thrown in your face, it’s hard not to be tempted. I’ve been traveling for 2 months as I write this, and it would be a lie if I said that that little voice didn’t creep into my head saying just one won’t hurt. So here are five ways to stay sober while traveling.
5. Stick To Your Routine
I personally have found my morning routine helps me stay sober. Other people have their own things that help them. Whether it’s meditation, exercise, movie night, game night. Stick to that. Yes, you’re on vacation, but there’s time to do these things. It’s okay if your vacation isn’t jammed packed with activities. I run. I have missed some runs because of weather because I don’t have a gym membership, or I was just tired from walking 25,000 steps day before. But for the most part I’ve kept with it. If you meditate, take that time to meditate. If your alone time with a coffee is your thing and you’re with people, tell them you need to go for a coffee on your own. Journaling, making your bed, whatever it may be. And of course you’re on vacation, so indulge. But try to keep a little of your routine that has helped you stay sober.
4. Tell Your Reservations You Don't Drink
When making your reservation at the hotel, Airbnb, or restaurant it’s an easy fix to just ask in advance to not have alcohol available. Calling hotel before you get there and ask to remove the mini bar, tell your Airbnb that you don’t drink. I got to my apartment here in Crete and he had a bottle of wine waiting for me as a thank you. He didn’t know. I didn’t tell him. It’s just a nice thing he does for the people that book with him. I now know to say hey I’m sober, if you could just remove any alcohol in the apartment that would be great. Easy. They’re not going to deny you your reservation because you don’t drink. They want your money. Same with restaurants. When making dinner reservation put in the notes you don’t drink and even tell them when you arrive. Some places will drop a shot of limoncello or raki with the bill. It’s just what they do. So, if you remind them beforehand they most likely won’t do it. This is what I will be doing with Sober Gay Adventures. Making sure these reservations know we are sober. But if you aren’t traveling with me or another sober group, just do it yourself.
3. Have A Meeting Plan
I’m traveling solo at the moment. But one thing I did was have a meeting plan. This lets me know when I can go to a meeting if needed and it’s also a great way to meet other sober people in the area. I carved out time in my schedule to go to at least one a week. Gay and Sober offers a long list of LGBTQ meetings all over the world. Even if you aren’t a twelve stepper, meetings are a great way to meet like-minded people. They say the only requirement to be a part of AA is the desire to stop drinking. So go if you feel your sobriety is in jeopardy. I also have online meetings that I can go to. I don’t like online meetings, but I’ve gone to a couple in places where meetings aren’t available very often. I’m currently in Crete and the only meeting available is 2 hours away on a bus on Tuesday. The day of the election results I wasn’t going to drink, but I needed that something to help me get centered. And it helped.
2. Travel With A Buddy
If you are going on a vacation with a group of friends or just a couple of people. Make sure these friends are going to hold you accountable. They don’t have to be sober, but make sure they have been supportive on sober journey. I have friends that still drink a lot. And that’s their choice. I focus on my sobriety not theirs. That being said, I’m not going to travel with them. I can go to dinner with them or a movie, but I am not going to go out to the bar afterwards with them. And I’m not person that doesn’t go out to a club on occasion and have a diet coke, but I’m not going to go with those people. And if it’s a group you want to go with, ask to bring along a sober friend or that friend that supports you. Having a buddy you can escape with when you’re starting to feel uncomfortable or tempted is one of the best was to stay sober while traveling. Just say, “Hey I’m feeling uncomfortable can we head out.” And you I’m sure you’ll have that persons support.
1. Travel With A Sober Travel Company
Traveling with a sober group is a great way to have accountability while traveling. Sober Gay Adventures focuses on small group travel with other sober gay men. Offering vacations to other like-minded gay men who want to explore the world with the same mentality. But there are other options. Gay and Sober offers a great weekend over pride in NYC focusing on sobriety, offering meetings and workshops every day. And they are going to one in London next year. There’s also Queer and Sober that offers a similar opportunity which I have not taken but heard great things. There is another travel company out there othering larger group vacations called Fellow Ship. So, there are options out there. The fact is most gay travel companies focus on the party scene. And while there are people that go on these trips that are sober and stay sober, this isn’t for everyone. Traveling with other sober people, is going to help you stay sober. And the more there are better.
I hope this helped with traveling while sober. Everyone needs different things to stay sober, and at the end it is what works for you. These are just a few things that helped me and hopefully this helped you. If you liked this post, sign up for our newsletter below. Also follow Sober Gay Adventures on Instagram and Facebook for more travel and sober content. I hope to see you on a future vacation with us and stay sober.
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My Sober Journey
Hello sober adventurers my name is Johnny I am the founder of Sober Gay Adventures and welcome. I wanted to do my first blog post about my journey in sobriety and what got me here today. My path to starting SGA wasn’t easy and took a long time. So, whether you are reading this as a friend, a future client, or just looking for some encouragement in your sobriety it’s important that I open this part of my life first. In the future this blog will be more focused on staying sober, traveling sober, and my experience while traveling sober. But if I’m going to ask people to trust we with their travels and sobriety, I feel my story is the best way to start.
The Start Of My Sober Journey
I have been an alcoholic for a long time. What a lot of people don’t know in my life is that I knew when I was 21. I went to my first AA meeting in 2001, had sponsor, and was working towards this back then. My mind told me that “You’re only 21 and everyone drinks a lot at this age”. They go out and party and drink till all hours of the night. I had convinced myself that I was doing what every 21-year-old does. Deep inside I knew I had a problem, but I chose to leave sobriety behind.
For the next 10 years I lived a life as an actor/bartender. I had some success, in the sense that I was a working actor for a lot of my 20s. Nothing big but I was working. And for the most part I kept my drinking under control. And kept making excuses. Drinking in the theater community is almost as big as drinking in the gay community. You work at night, you go out after the show, and you don’t have to work again until 6 or 7 the next night. It’s what you do. But I also didn’t want the party to end when everyone else went to bed. The excuse in my head was still “everyone does this” and I usually would have another cast mate that would continue the party with me.
When I decided to leave acting, that’s when things changed. Part of this was leaving a dream behind but also the fact that I was and have always been an alcoholic. I moved to San Francisco and got a job at a bar in the Castro. I was making great money and met my best friend. Here I also had an excuse, even though I was drinking heavily. Because I wasn’t as bad as the people I served. I didn’t have a problem. Even though I did.
It took me about three years to realize that San Francisco wasn’t my home. I decided to move back to NYC. I was going to go back into acting, but to be honest I did a half ass attempt at it. I got cast in a couple small readings and was getting callbacks, but because I wasn’t putting a lot into it, I wasn’t getting a lot out of it. And this is when the “woe is me” drinking started. This is also when I would attempt to get sober again.
The Downfall of My Drinking
I decided to get sober again and my life turned around. I had a boyfriend, I was starting an internship in casting at a very high-profile theater in NYC and moving into my dream apartment. My life was going great. And this made me think that I don’t really have a problem again. What do you do when you don’t have a problem? You guessed it, I started drinking again. I know you won’t believe this, but things turned for the worst. The boyfriend broke up with me, the internship was ended early due to funding because they wanted to hire someone full time, and my dream apartment was great, but my roommates weren’t people I really wanted to live with. And then my best friend died.
Losing my friend to pancreatic complications led to the downfall of my life and who I was. I couldn’t wait to start drinking during the day because I wasn’t YET drinking in the morning. I contemplated suicide very seriously. The thing that stopped me, was both me and my friend who passed had close relationships with our parents. And I wouldn’t want my mom and dad to go through what my friend’s parents were going through.
So, I just drank. Taking my life wasn’t an option but if I died on my own at least the pain to my parents wouldn’t be as bad. The mind of an alcoholic…If you know you know. My life eventually got so bad I moved home into my parent’s basement. At the time I didn’t appreciate this because I was going to be 40 and living with my parents. Being sober now I am SO grateful for my parents allowing me to live with them. While I attribute my sobriety to myself and doing the work, I wouldn’t have gotten there without them.
The Final Straw
A lot of what happened in my life that I included and didn’t include was a string of bad luck, but the loss of friendships and things in my personal life were all me. My drinking continued through the pandemic. And once things got back to “normal” I started to take my sober journey seriously. First, I tried it on my own, then with an intense outpatient program, followed by where I am now.
The last straw was ending up in the hospital because I had been binge drinking due to my visa being denied to attend school in Prague and having to leave another dream behind. I was going to school for a business because I wanted to start a travel business but had no background. Thinking that the only way to start this travel company (not SGA) was by having a degree. When my visa was denied I went down the woe is me rabbit hole again. So, I drank and drank and drank until I got back to my parents.
In the middle of my first night home, I went completely numb and started having what felt like a seizure. My sister took me to the hospital and that’s when the truth had to be revealed. I had been drinking heavily again. When I left, I was sober, before I returned I was drinking morning noon and night. I had become those people I said I wasn’t so many years ago.
Returning from the hospital and seeing my parents face was one I never wanted to see again. People I cared about had been disappointed in me before, but having the two people I love the most hurting so bad finally broke me. And it finally cracked this wall I had put up since the death of my friend. Because not only did my parents not like me, but I also didn’t like myself. This isn’t who I am. I remember who I used to be. The dreamer and optimistic person was gone. Turning into what I had become was now disgusting to me.
The Beginning Wasn’t Easy
I went to my first AA meeting after this, and it wasn’t the greatest experience. Surrounded by people that I wouldn’t normally be with and some that probably wouldn’t approve of my sexuality. One had a shirt that said something along the lines of “Don’t Come for My Guns or My Daughter”. And if you know me, I’m not the biggest gun advocate. But I will say we had something in common and similar stories of losing family and friends because of alcohol.
When I left that meeting, I wasn’t sure it was for me. A simple google search sent me to Gay and Sober, a site that had a list of all the LGBTQ meetings in different cities. So that Saturday I went to my first LGBTQ AA meeting. I sat in the back, but a few people came to introduce themselves. I saw people who were like me, and they were happy. They were also happy to see each other. Leaving that meeting I felt a little better about what I was doing.
The beginning of my sobriety was lonely. I didn’t have anyone close to me who was sober and didn’t think my friends who weren’t would be there for me. Loneliness was what I had come accustomed to, but not something I wanted to feel anymore. Thankfully again, my parents were there to have movie and games nights with me. Our relationship was building again, and most importantly we were laughing again. This relationship is the one that kept me going on my sober journey.
I was still missing the social aspect of drinking and not being able to numb feelings I was now having. My drinking was never about cravings, it was that once I started, I didn’t stop. The quitting part wasn’t hard for me, it was what came with it. But the best lesson I learned from this part of my sobriety was not covering up my feelings with booze and because of this I was coming back to the person I used to be.
How I Got Here
I continued to go to meetings. As my time went on, I started to get to know people in two of the groups that I attended and would go out to eat with some of them following these meetings. During these meals I met my sponsor, and we worked the steps together. The steps weren’t hard for me, because I was ready. I had been trying to seriously get here for three years and nothing was working.
My sponsor got a promotion at work and didn’t feel he was able to continue working with me because his workload doubled. I understood. A big part of my sober journey was honesty, and I appreciated his honesty with me. But I won’t lie, it hurt a little. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life and at the time I thought it was something I did, but we are still friends today.
Besides doing the work in my life on my own and therapy, the two things that got me here today are the friends I met in sobriety and the accountability that came with it. While I am in AA, I don’t agree with all of what it says. And I don’t work the perfect program, but what I am doing is working for me. I wouldn’t suggest this to anyone new to sobriety, but I think it’s okay to make your own program as you get more time. What’s the old saying? Keep what you need and leave the rest. And that’s where I am in my sober story today.
Where Am I Now?
As I stated earlier, I was going to school to start a travel company. After losing my best friend travel became a big part of my life. I would work two jobs, save up money, and travel for months at a time. This was happening both in NYC and back home with my family. In a dark time, I found happiness in traveling, even though I was still drinking to numb my feelings.
When I got sober, I still wanted to travel but was nervous because so much of my time overseas had been in bars and drinking wine with locals. I made the decision to have a year of sobriety under my belt before I would travel again. While doing research on possible gay travel with other sober gay men, there was barely anything that popped up. I did go to the Gay and Sober convention in NYC and had a great time, but I wanted something more travel based with other sober gay men. That’s when I decided to start SGA.
My fear of not knowing what I was doing, became a goal to KNOW what I was doing. Sobriety allowed me to do this. For six years I was saying how I wanted to do this, I was going to do this, but alcohol was more important. I started saving money, taking classes, and doing the work. The same work ethic I put into my sobriety, I put into starting Sober Gay Adventures. Both are not easy, always fun or guaranteed. But I am becoming a better and stronger person because of both.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, my sobriety or SGA, but I know that I am a better person because of this journey. As far as SGA, if no one books, at least I know I tried. And for my sobriety, I know it’s not a guarantee that I won’t slip. But today I am choosing to stay sober like I did the day before and excited for what the future holds. And almost a year and a half ago I couldn’t say that.
Final Thoughts
I am not an expert on sobriety and am still learning. I don’t have the answers, because everyone’s sober journey is different. But if you are questioning if you have a problem, you probably do. Drinking six drinks and still feeling normal, isn’t normal. Blacking out after a certain age ISN’T NORMAL. And I’m not one of those people that thinks everyone needs to stop drinking. I think people should still have some fun get a little tipsy if they aren’t doing it daily like I was. And to be clear I wasn’t just getting a little tipsy.
If you are struggling, know that people are there for you. Know that if you slip, it’s okay. It took me 23 years to get where I am today and the three years when I was really trying, I still messed up. It’s not easy. I think every alcoholic will tell you that. And know that I am here for you if you don’t feel like anyone else is. I will leave my email below if you need a contact. I’ve had a few people drift away from me as I got sober, but the people I got in return has been nothing short of amazing. I would be more than honored to be one of those people on your path.
Finally, this journey is very abridged. It would take a whole book to tell my story and who knows, maybe one day I’ll write it. But right now, my focus is Sober Gay Adventures. While this is a business, my intentions are to give back to the community of sober gay men that got me here today and share my love of travel in a safe space that offer fellowship and accountability.
If you made it this far, thanks for going on my sober journey with me. As I was writing this, I texted a friend about how this is taking a lot longer than I thought, because revisiting this part of my life isn’t easy. If I hurt you in anyway while I was drinking, please know I am sorry. When I was drinking, I was very selfish and didn’t care about anyone, not even myself. But that is no excuse to hurt someone’s feelings, so for that I do truly apologize.
johnnyestling@sobergayadventures.com