As I said in my sober story this isn’t my first time getting sober, but it is the longest. One thing my sponsor told me in one of my many attempts of getting sober was “you need to put your sobriety first”. At the time I was closed off to this idea and made every excuse to not like this statement. For one thing, I wasn’t ready to get sober. I knew I had a problem but wasn’t truly convinced. And another, I didn’t like this idea of putting the people I love behind something that I didn’t really love myself. But since I now love being sober, I thought I would go deeper into what putting sobriety first really means to me.
What Is Putting Sobriety First?
Putting sobriety first is exactly what it says. I am lucky to have a supportive family both in being sober but also being a gay man. But if your family isn’t like mine, maybe that means skipping holidays that might trigger you to drink. If you have that closed minded uncle that is going to say something that upsets you, it’s okay to have a boundary. It’s okay to say that you aren’t coming to Christmas if Uncle Frank is going to be there. Will it hurt your family, maybe, but if this person words are going to affect your sobriety, ask to have an alternate day to celebrate together without him. You can be thankful and eat a big meal together 365 days a year. It doesn’t have to be on that specific holiday.
Same goes for birthdays and anniversaries. If you’re invited to a party that you know is going to be filled with people drinking all through the night, and you aren’t comfortable with that, it’s okay to decline. If your friend is truly a friend, they will understand putting your sobriety first. Once again, you don’t have to celebrate someone being born on the day they are born. In fact, we should be celebrating the people in our life on the days besides their birthdays. But I know those people who think their birthdays are the most important days of the year. If that’s your friend, offer to take them to breakfast or buy them coffee. Give that friend the birthday or anniversary gift of your friendship first. And if that means skipping their party, they most likely will understand.
Will people be hurt by this? Maybe. But what is the point of hurting yourself for a party or a holiday. When I got sober this last time, I didn’t really attend any social functions that had any alcohol involved. You’re fragile in the first few months of sobriety. Right now I am in a good place in my sobriety, but that’s not going to always be the situation. I’m going to have something happen in my life that is going to make me want to say, “Screw it.” And that’s the time when I am going to have to put my sobriety first and maybe skip something I really want to go to.
Without Sobriety I Don't Have The People I Love
When I say I didn’t like the idea of putting my family and friends before my sobriety, I meant it. And I came up with every excuse and extreme scenario as why I don’t like the term “put your sobriety first”. Seriously, I at one point I said, “Well what if there is a gun to my mom’s head and she can only live if I drink.” It sounds stupid now. But, at the moment I was trying to find any excuse to not like this statement. Of course, in this very, very, VERY unlikely scenario I would save my mom’s life.
But all silliness aside, what he was trying to say was you have to put your sobriety first to save the relationships you have. My parents and I have always had a close connection. I call them every week while I am traveling, we have open conversations about different topics, and they have been my number one fan not only in sobriety, but in life. My mom always says, “I always loved you, but I didn’t like you very much when you were drinking.” Which it’s great to have someone that always loves you, but if they don’t like spending time with you what’s the point.
I have lost friends because of my drinking. My decline in engagement with people in my life was my fault. One because I isolated myself, but also, I wasn’t fun to be around. I was a real-life Doctor Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Being fun at one moment and not so nice the next. Easily offended and hot tempered over little things. And in my sobriety, I can take a step back, breath, and have a conversation about the topic. By putting my sobriety first I can have an actual relationship with the people I love.
Don't Isolate
Now just because I said that you should skip somethings to put your sobriety first, doesn’t mean you should be alone. Loneliness is a big trigger in my drinking. I was lucky to find a sober tribe early in this go around but that wasn’t always the case. Even though I said you can celebrate any day of the year, I also acknowledge that the holidays are hard for people to be alone. Personally, holidays are just a day to me, but I know that’s not the case for everyone.
There are a ton of options out there. Ask a friend who will be in town if you can join their celebration, go to a meeting that has fellowship afterwards, and a lot of cities have events for people who are in sobriety that are alone on the holidays. As someone that doesn’t care for events where there are a lot of people I don’t know, I realize this can be hard. But what’s harder is returning to sobriety.
I know a lot of people that jump right back on the horse after a slip. But my personal experience, so I can only speak for myself, is there is a shame that comes along with relapse. And even though people in sobriety say that you just have to start over, it’s not always that easy. You feel like you not only disappointed them, but yourself. And so even though people tell you not to feel shameful, doesn’t mean that the thought isn’t there. Also, when I relapsed, my mind convinced me I didn’t have a problem because I only had a few drinks, not nearly as bad as I used to drink. So, putting yourself in what might seem like an uncomfortable situation to save your sobriety, might save it. And I guarantee you that someone there is feeling just as uncomfortable as you. So go to these events that are out there, ask to be invited, and if nothing else go to a movie or something. At lease you’re with people.
Putting Sobriety First Doesn't Equal Boring
As I was writing this, I realized that this sounds like putting sobriety first sounds kind of lame. You might not get to go to certain parties and celebrate, you might have to miss holidays and events, but that’s not what I am saying at all. Just like you have to shift your brain away from drinking or drugs, you have to also shift your brain to what is fun and exciting. I am almost at 500 days sober as I write this, and I have more fun this past year than I have all those years drinking. And I remember everything. Have there been times when I had to sit in a boringness? Yes. That’s life. But there is fun in putting sobriety first.
There is a sober group for everything now. If you are reading this, I assume you have access to the internet, so find that group. Make friends with similar interest. I’m part of a Facebook group that goes to theater, movies, and concerts together. If you like sports, gaming, cooking, whatever it may be, there is a group of sober people out there that likes it. If there isn’t, start one. Go into the sober groups and say “Hey. I’m sober and wondering if anyone is interested in…” This allows you to meet people who have a similar struggle as you but also a thing you love.
Yeah, you might not to get to go drink that beer with your friend Barney at the game, but you can go enjoy the game with Fred without the booze. I used to go to RuPaul Drag Race nights and have a new drink in my hand at each commercial break. Now I go to my friends, and we laugh and talk about the show the same way, just minus the vodka. My parents have asked me if it’s okay if they still have mimosas at Christmas, and I said of course, I even got a sparkling NA beverage to not feel left out. And if I asked them not to, they would have omitted the champagne from the holiday. The majority of people want you to succeed and if they don’t, do you really want them in your life?
The point is, putting sobriety first isn’t boring. There was a time where you had fun without alcohol before, now you just have to find that fun again. I returned to a lot of things I always wanted to do when I was drinking or things I missed out on. I’m a theater guy, and so that money I would usually put into the bars, I put into the experience at the theater or going to the movies. Parties without drinking are just as fun as those with alcohol, we have just been trained to thinking drinking is fun, when in reality you’re just masking a genuine conversation and experience by a mind-altering substance that makes you feel like crap the next day.
Putting Sobriety First Isn't Easy
Putting your sobriety first isn’t easy, but either is getting sober. If we’ve gotten to a certain point in our lives where you are sober or thinking of getting sober, there is a reason. And usually, it comes down to unhappiness in life. And guess what else isn’t easy? Happiness. That’s a whole different subject that I will write about later. But if Uncle Frank is going to disrupt your sobriety or your best friend Cathy is going to be mad at you because you put your sobriety first over her birthday party. Screw them.
It’s hard to say no to the people you love. I missed a wedding, because it was someone I associated with in a different life. There were going to be people there that I really didn’t want to see. We had reconciled after me getting sober, but the friendship wasn’t the same. And I am extremely happy she found someone she loves. But being around a lot of drinking and pot on my own wasn’t something I felt great about. And I know she supports me in my sobriety, but I made a choice for me. Just like you must make the choice for you.
You might think that it’s selfish. And in a way it is. But me drinking a lot and putting friendships and family life at stake over a martini is way more selfish than missing a wedding or birthday party. Selfish isn’t always a bad thing. But being selfish is hard, because we were taught it was bad. That’s not saying cut all ties with people, it’s just saying cut ties with the things associated with that person that leads to using again.
In Conclusion
At the end of the day this is just an opinion piece. These are suggestions on how to put your sobriety first. My way of getting sober is different from others. I do think sobriety is fluid. One day you think you got this, but the next you could be questioning everything you have been working for. If you feel confident when you RSVP to that to that party, you might not be feeling the same the day of. Use your sobriety like people use their kids to get out things (parents I know you do this), say your sobriety isn’t feeling well today. Maybe not in those words but explain what’s going on. I think that most people will understand
*If you are having group with sobriety, please reach out to me and I will give you any resources I may have. My email is at the bottom of the page, and I am here to help, just like the people that didn’t know me helped me.
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