Hello sober adventurers my name is Johnny I am the founder of Sober Gay Adventures and welcome. I wanted to do my first blog post about my journey in sobriety and what got me here today. My path to starting SGA wasn’t easy and took a long time. So, whether you are reading this as a friend, a future client, or just looking for some encouragement in your sobriety it’s important that I open this part of my life first. In the future this blog will be more focused on staying sober, traveling sober, and my experience while traveling sober. But if I’m going to ask people to trust we with their travels and sobriety, I feel my story is the best way to start.
The Start Of My Sober Journey
I have been an alcoholic for a long time. What a lot of people don’t know in my life is that I knew when I was 21. I went to my first AA meeting in 2001, had sponsor, and was working towards this back then. My mind told me that “You’re only 21 and everyone drinks a lot at this age”. They go out and party and drink till all hours of the night. I had convinced myself that I was doing what every 21-year-old does. Deep inside I knew I had a problem, but I chose to leave sobriety behind.
For the next 10 years I lived a life as an actor/bartender. I had some success, in the sense that I was a working actor for a lot of my 20s. Nothing big but I was working. And for the most part I kept my drinking under control. And kept making excuses. Drinking in the theater community is almost as big as drinking in the gay community. You work at night, you go out after the show, and you don’t have to work again until 6 or 7 the next night. It’s what you do. But I also didn’t want the party to end when everyone else went to bed. The excuse in my head was still “everyone does this” and I usually would have another cast mate that would continue the party with me.
When I decided to leave acting, that’s when things changed. Part of this was leaving a dream behind but also the fact that I was and have always been an alcoholic. I moved to San Francisco and got a job at a bar in the Castro. I was making great money and met my best friend. Here I also had an excuse, even though I was drinking heavily. Because I wasn’t as bad as the people I served. I didn’t have a problem. Even though I did.
It took me about three years to realize that San Francisco wasn’t my home. I decided to move back to NYC. I was going to go back into acting, but to be honest I did a half ass attempt at it. I got cast in a couple small readings and was getting callbacks, but because I wasn’t putting a lot into it, I wasn’t getting a lot out of it. And this is when the “woe is me” drinking started. This is also when I would attempt to get sober again.
The Downfall of My Drinking
I decided to get sober again and my life turned around. I had a boyfriend, I was starting an internship in casting at a very high-profile theater in NYC and moving into my dream apartment. My life was going great. And this made me think that I don’t really have a problem again. What do you do when you don’t have a problem? You guessed it, I started drinking again. I know you won’t believe this, but things turned for the worst. The boyfriend broke up with me, the internship was ended early due to funding because they wanted to hire someone full time, and my dream apartment was great, but my roommates weren’t people I really wanted to live with. And then my best friend died.
Losing my friend to pancreatic complications led to the downfall of my life and who I was. I couldn’t wait to start drinking during the day because I wasn’t YET drinking in the morning. I contemplated suicide very seriously. The thing that stopped me, was both me and my friend who passed had close relationships with our parents. And I wouldn’t want my mom and dad to go through what my friend’s parents were going through.
So, I just drank. Taking my life wasn’t an option but if I died on my own at least the pain to my parents wouldn’t be as bad. The mind of an alcoholic…If you know you know. My life eventually got so bad I moved home into my parent’s basement. At the time I didn’t appreciate this because I was going to be 40 and living with my parents. Being sober now I am SO grateful for my parents allowing me to live with them. While I attribute my sobriety to myself and doing the work, I wouldn’t have gotten there without them.
The Final Straw
A lot of what happened in my life that I included and didn’t include was a string of bad luck, but the loss of friendships and things in my personal life were all me. My drinking continued through the pandemic. And once things got back to “normal” I started to take my sober journey seriously. First, I tried it on my own, then with an intense outpatient program, followed by where I am now.
The last straw was ending up in the hospital because I had been binge drinking due to my visa being denied to attend school in Prague and having to leave another dream behind. I was going to school for a business because I wanted to start a travel business but had no background. Thinking that the only way to start this travel company (not SGA) was by having a degree. When my visa was denied I went down the woe is me rabbit hole again. So, I drank and drank and drank until I got back to my parents.
In the middle of my first night home, I went completely numb and started having what felt like a seizure. My sister took me to the hospital and that’s when the truth had to be revealed. I had been drinking heavily again. When I left, I was sober, before I returned I was drinking morning noon and night. I had become those people I said I wasn’t so many years ago.
Returning from the hospital and seeing my parents face was one I never wanted to see again. People I cared about had been disappointed in me before, but having the two people I love the most hurting so bad finally broke me. And it finally cracked this wall I had put up since the death of my friend. Because not only did my parents not like me, but I also didn’t like myself. This isn’t who I am. I remember who I used to be. The dreamer and optimistic person was gone. Turning into what I had become was now disgusting to me.
The Beginning Wasn’t Easy
I went to my first AA meeting after this, and it wasn’t the greatest experience. Surrounded by people that I wouldn’t normally be with and some that probably wouldn’t approve of my sexuality. One had a shirt that said something along the lines of “Don’t Come for My Guns or My Daughter”. And if you know me, I’m not the biggest gun advocate. But I will say we had something in common and similar stories of losing family and friends because of alcohol.
When I left that meeting, I wasn’t sure it was for me. A simple google search sent me to Gay and Sober, a site that had a list of all the LGBTQ meetings in different cities. So that Saturday I went to my first LGBTQ AA meeting. I sat in the back, but a few people came to introduce themselves. I saw people who were like me, and they were happy. They were also happy to see each other. Leaving that meeting I felt a little better about what I was doing.
The beginning of my sobriety was lonely. I didn’t have anyone close to me who was sober and didn’t think my friends who weren’t would be there for me. Loneliness was what I had come accustomed to, but not something I wanted to feel anymore. Thankfully again, my parents were there to have movie and games nights with me. Our relationship was building again, and most importantly we were laughing again. This relationship is the one that kept me going on my sober journey.
I was still missing the social aspect of drinking and not being able to numb feelings I was now having. My drinking was never about cravings, it was that once I started, I didn’t stop. The quitting part wasn’t hard for me, it was what came with it. But the best lesson I learned from this part of my sobriety was not covering up my feelings with booze and because of this I was coming back to the person I used to be.
How I Got Here
I continued to go to meetings. As my time went on, I started to get to know people in two of the groups that I attended and would go out to eat with some of them following these meetings. During these meals I met my sponsor, and we worked the steps together. The steps weren’t hard for me, because I was ready. I had been trying to seriously get here for three years and nothing was working.
My sponsor got a promotion at work and didn’t feel he was able to continue working with me because his workload doubled. I understood. A big part of my sober journey was honesty, and I appreciated his honesty with me. But I won’t lie, it hurt a little. I’ve lost a lot of people in my life and at the time I thought it was something I did, but we are still friends today.
Besides doing the work in my life on my own and therapy, the two things that got me here today are the friends I met in sobriety and the accountability that came with it. While I am in AA, I don’t agree with all of what it says. And I don’t work the perfect program, but what I am doing is working for me. I wouldn’t suggest this to anyone new to sobriety, but I think it’s okay to make your own program as you get more time. What’s the old saying? Keep what you need and leave the rest. And that’s where I am in my sober story today.
Where Am I Now?
As I stated earlier, I was going to school to start a travel company. After losing my best friend travel became a big part of my life. I would work two jobs, save up money, and travel for months at a time. This was happening both in NYC and back home with my family. In a dark time, I found happiness in traveling, even though I was still drinking to numb my feelings.
When I got sober, I still wanted to travel but was nervous because so much of my time overseas had been in bars and drinking wine with locals. I made the decision to have a year of sobriety under my belt before I would travel again. While doing research on possible gay travel with other sober gay men, there was barely anything that popped up. I did go to the Gay and Sober convention in NYC and had a great time, but I wanted something more travel based with other sober gay men. That’s when I decided to start SGA.
My fear of not knowing what I was doing, became a goal to KNOW what I was doing. Sobriety allowed me to do this. For six years I was saying how I wanted to do this, I was going to do this, but alcohol was more important. I started saving money, taking classes, and doing the work. The same work ethic I put into my sobriety, I put into starting Sober Gay Adventures. Both are not easy, always fun or guaranteed. But I am becoming a better and stronger person because of both.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, my sobriety or SGA, but I know that I am a better person because of this journey. As far as SGA, if no one books, at least I know I tried. And for my sobriety, I know it’s not a guarantee that I won’t slip. But today I am choosing to stay sober like I did the day before and excited for what the future holds. And almost a year and a half ago I couldn’t say that.
Final Thoughts
I am not an expert on sobriety and am still learning. I don’t have the answers, because everyone’s sober journey is different. But if you are questioning if you have a problem, you probably do. Drinking six drinks and still feeling normal, isn’t normal. Blacking out after a certain age ISN’T NORMAL. And I’m not one of those people that thinks everyone needs to stop drinking. I think people should still have some fun get a little tipsy if they aren’t doing it daily like I was. And to be clear I wasn’t just getting a little tipsy.
If you are struggling, know that people are there for you. Know that if you slip, it’s okay. It took me 23 years to get where I am today and the three years when I was really trying, I still messed up. It’s not easy. I think every alcoholic will tell you that. And know that I am here for you if you don’t feel like anyone else is. I will leave my email below if you need a contact. I’ve had a few people drift away from me as I got sober, but the people I got in return has been nothing short of amazing. I would be more than honored to be one of those people on your path.
Finally, this journey is very abridged. It would take a whole book to tell my story and who knows, maybe one day I’ll write it. But right now, my focus is Sober Gay Adventures. While this is a business, my intentions are to give back to the community of sober gay men that got me here today and share my love of travel in a safe space that offer fellowship and accountability.
If you made it this far, thanks for going on my sober journey with me. As I was writing this, I texted a friend about how this is taking a lot longer than I thought, because revisiting this part of my life isn’t easy. If I hurt you in anyway while I was drinking, please know I am sorry. When I was drinking, I was very selfish and didn’t care about anyone, not even myself. But that is no excuse to hurt someone’s feelings, so for that I do truly apologize.
johnnyestling@sobergayadventures.com
I love this.
AA helped me back in 1980. I am an atheist, so sometimes the message was not what I wanted to hear. As you said, take the parts that work for you.
Wyn Hyzer
The first few times I was trying to be perfect and didn’t keep with it. It’s an old program that hasn’t changed much, when we have learned through science that not all our minds learn the same way. So I would never bash AA, but I wish the people that found that everything worked for them might not work for me or others.
Thank you for sharing your journey! You’ve gained such amazing insight and self-awareness through all this and now you can share what sober living AND traveling can look like with others!!
Thank you Chris for all your support. Both in sobriety and this adventure I am on.
Thanks for sharing. I didn’t like you very much when you were drinking, but I always loved you!! I am so proud of you and I really like the person you have become. I know your business will work, you were great getting you old parents through Paris and Italy!! I am so proud of you for sharing your story maybe someone will read this and get sober. Love you!!!! Mom
Thanks mom for never giving up on me. Love you.
Wow. Watching your journey these past few years has been amazing. You are a miracle, Johnny. I will be one of the first people in line to buy your memoir. I cannot even begin how much this blog is, “ME TOO!” Addiction is lonely and desperate and dark. I also knew I had a problem at a young age – immediately, in fact. I came into the NA rooms in 2004, but I couldn’t get past the fact that everyone my age seemed to be “having fun” while I was sober. Your reference to partying all night – only to find you’re the only one who still wants to continue while everyone else is passed out or gone – that’s usually when I got into the most trouble. I went in search of anybody, of anything so I never had to feel. I get this so much. As long as I don’t pick up, just for today, then I have a chance. And I have done that for 1,199 days today. It took me 20 years to get those consecutive days, and it’s not the first time. We keep getting back up – we stick together. I am so proud of you for surrendering – and then continuing to fight for YOU. If I were a gay man, I would be on your FIRST travel journey. You will change lives with your story – please write it one day. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
1,199!!! Yes! You are amazing and an inspiration. So proud of you.
[…] As I said in my sober story this isn’t my first time getting sober, but it is the longest. One thing my sponsor told me in […]
[…] you’ve read my story, you know I’d been trying to get sober for a while. By the time it finally stuck, I was […]
[…] same thing happened in my sobriety journey. I knew I was an alcoholic, but I denied it for a long time. I said the words “Hello, I’m […]