I came out as gay to my parents at 20. I came out to my parents as an alcoholic at 41, twenty years after my first attempt to get sober at 21. When I realized that both took me twenty years to do, it made me think about how I’ve had to come out twice in my life. The two experiences are different in many ways, but there are also so many similarities that it’s hard to ignore. Just like coming out as gay changed my life, coming out as sober did too.
The Denial
For a long time I denied both being gay and being an alcoholic. I grew up in a church that didn’t really care for gay people. It was ingrained in my head that it was bad and that I was going to hell. So I tried to pray it away and pretended it didn’t exist. I had girlfriends and used the word “fag” a lot to prove that I wasn’t. I did everything in my power to suppress the reality of who I was.
The same thing happened in my sobriety journey. I knew I was an alcoholic, but I denied it for a long time. I said the words “Hello, I’m Johnny and I’m an alcoholic” at 21 years old, but for years after that I wouldn’t say them again. I wasn’t the people I saw in those AA rooms. I wasn’t the people I bartended for. “At least I’m not…” and “He or she is way worse than me” are phrases that came out of my mouth more times than I can count.
There was shame that came with being sober, just like there was shame with being gay. Gay people were seen as immoral and choosing the wrong “lifestyle,” while alcoholics were seen as messy people living pathetic lives. Both things I now know are untrue, but at the time I didn’t want to be either of them. So what do we as humans do when we don’t want to admit something? Deny. Deny. Deny. Until the weight becomes too heavy to carry anymore.
Testing the Waters
I came out as gay at a different time than the younger generation. While there are still kids who are scared to come out, you also see people coming out in middle school now. Unafraid and unapologetic. You see something similar with sobriety. People are younger and younger when they start admitting they want to live a sober lifestyle. But for me, neither one was easy.
When I first started coming out as gay, I was lucky. I was a theater kid, and that community is one I’m forever grateful for because of its openness and acceptance. I started testing the waters, slowly telling people here and there. I say I came out at 20 because that’s when I told my parents and could truly be myself. But the process probably started around 16. That’s when I remember saying to someone, “My friend is gay. What do you think of that?”
I said that to a youth pastor at church, who replied, “I don’t know if you should be hanging out with him.” That pushed me further into the closet. Thankfully I went to an arts high school where there were other people like me. I started to feel more comfortable with who I was. Eventually I told a mentor and hero of mine that I was gay, and as I told more people it became easier.
Something similar happened when I started coming out as sober. Yes, I went to AA at 21. But I went secretly. No one in my personal life knew, and eventually I went back out drinking. As life went on, I tested the waters. I would tell friends I was thinking about giving up drinking for a while, and sometimes their responses sounded a lot like my youth pastor’s did years earlier. Comments that pushed me right back into the alcoholic closet.
“I could never do that.”
“I don’t know if I could date someone who doesn’t drink.”
Words like that made it harder to say who I really was.
It wasn’t until my 30s that I actually started telling people I was an alcoholic. That didn’t mean I got sober. It just meant I was starting to confide in people. People who I learned had struggled with alcohol too. Much like the openness in the theater community helped me come out as gay, the people who were open about their sobriety helped me come out as an alcoholic.
The Inner Turmoil
There is an internal struggle that comes with being LGBTQ and with being an alcoholic. Both carry stigma in certain parts of society. As a gay person I worried about losing friends and family. Will people still like me? If I come out will I be happy? Will I find love? And at that time there was also the fear of HIV.
My inner turmoil as an alcoholic was similar, minus the HIV part. Will I still be invited to things? Are my friends going to like me? How do I travel without drinking? Questions like these almost beat out the beginning of my recovery.
Being liked and accepted both as a member of the LGBTQ community and as a sober person was the thing that kept me in the closet the longest. The fear of losing friends or ending up alone stuck in my head. The mind plays tricks on you. Society does too. We are expected to drink at work functions, celebrations, BBQs, vacations. The list goes on and on.
But how do you live a life when everyone tells you it’s wrong? When people say it’s not normal? When do you admit it? And how do you start living as your true self?
You Stop Giving a Fuck What Others Think
Excuse my language, Mom and Dad, if you are reading this. But it’s the truth. At some point you have to stop giving a fuck what other people think.
Yes, there are still bigots who will say you’re wrong for being gay, trans, bi, or however you identify. It sucks, and they’re not going away. Just like there will always be racists and misogynists. But you can’t let those people control your life. You will feel a lot better being who you are than trying to conform to please people who disapprove of you.
The same goes for being sober. There will always be people who call you boring or say “just one won’t hurt,” even when you know it will. Some people won’t support your decision to come out as an alcoholic. Those people are no different than the ones who reject others for being LGBTQ. They don’t respect you. You didn’t choose to be an alcoholic, just like I didn’t choose to be gay.
It’s not always easy. Trust me. I spent twenty years in both closets, denying my own happiness. One closet kept me from living freely as a gay man. The other kept me from admitting I had a problem with alcohol.
I’m 45 years old as I write this. I’m not rich. I’m single. I live in a three bedroom apartment with three other guys. And yet I am at one of the happiest and most content places in my life. And it’s because I finally stopped giving a fuck what other people think.
Be Yourself
I want to end with this. Be true to who you are, but do it in the way that feels comfortable to you.
I am out and proud as both a gay man and a sober person. I share it on social media. I write about it. I even started a travel business for the LGBTQ sober community. That’s how I chose to live my journey.
But I’m not walking around with a megaphone wrapped in a rainbow flag announcing that I’m sober. I do it in a way that feels right for me, and I think that’s the most important thing. Share what you want on your own terms, but don’t deny who you are.
If you’re someone with the megaphone, great. We need people like you.
If you’re like me and you’re open about it at work and on social media, great. We need people like you too. Or maybe you only share those parts of your life with the people closest to you. That’s great as well. We need people like you.
Because at the end of the day, what matters is that you are here. The world needs you. But it needs the most authentic version of you.
Be proud of being LGBTQ.
Be proud of being sober.
Whether you’re on day 1 or day 10,000, you matter. And wherever you are in your journey, I want you to know that I’m proud of you.
And the beautiful thing is this. When you finally stop hiding who you are, you start finding other people who have done the same. People who understand you. People who support you. People who remind you that you are not alone.
For me that has been one of the greatest gifts of sobriety and being out. The community that comes with it.
Because when we stop hiding, we start living.
Are you sober and part of the LGBTQ community and look for a safe place to travel with fellowship and accountability? We have two great trips in August. Check out our Italy LGBTQ Adventure and our Crete Men’s Retreat. If your in NYC, check out out SGA NYC for local at cost adventures.