This week I wanted to write something for the people who may not be sober themselves, but love someone who is.
Support has been a huge part of my sobriety. Not just from other sober people, but from the people in my life who simply wanted to see me succeed. The truth is, everyone needs something different in sobriety, so this is not a rulebook. These are just the things that helped me personally and the ways people showed up for me that really made a difference.
Watch How You Phrase Things
I do not know anyone who enjoys being told, “you need to” or “you have to” do something, whether it is about sobriety or anything else.
Of course there are moments where tough love is necessary, but most of the time saying something like, “You need to go to AA,” is not actually helpful.
People in early recovery can be sensitive, overwhelmed, and honestly a little stubborn. A lot of people are still figuring out whether they even have a problem, and many are not ready to fully admit it yet. Because of that, wording matters more than people realize.
Suggestions go a lot further than instructions.
Something like, “Have you thought about AA?” or “What can I do to help?” feels supportive instead of controlling.
Deep down, most people know something is off. But getting sober is about so much more than just stopping drinking or using. For a lot of us, addiction became a crutch. We convinced ourselves it helped with our social life, our emotions, stress, or just relaxing after a long day.
So while someone in active addiction or sobriey does not actually need alcohol or drugs for any of those things, they may truly believe they do. Respect where they are mentally. Help them come to their own realization instead of forcing yours onto them.
Keep Inviting Them
Just because we are sober does not mean we are dead.
We still want to celebrate birthdays, go to dinners, show up for your milestones, and feel included in life. One of the biggest fears in sobriety is that life is suddenly going to become boring, isolated, or separate from everyone else.
That is why the invite matters.
Even if it is at a bar, even if there will be drinking, even if you are not sure whether they will come, still ask.
Sure, in very early sobriety maybe a bar is not the best place for someone. But as time goes on, a lot of us crave normalcy more than anything.
Personally, if I am invited somewhere where the drinks are flowing hard, I usually do not stay longer than an hour. It is not because I am tempted. I just get bored.
But I still like being invited.
A simple, “Hey, my birthday is Sunday and I am doing a get together at this bar. Want to come?” means a lot. Let your sober friend decide what is best for them, and if they cancel last minute, trust that they are protecting their sobriety, not rejecting you.
Check In on the Person, Not Just the Sobriety
Sobriety is obviously a huge part of my life. I am open about it. I built trips to Greece and Italy around sober travel, and I started SGA NYC to show people they can still have fun in sobriety.
But sobriety is not my whole personality.
I am still the same person you knew when I was drinking, I am just not drunk.
I still love Kelly Clarkson. I still love musical theater. I still want to talk about movies, gossip, work drama, travel plans, and the random crazy thing that happened this week.
Sometimes the best support has nothing to do with sobriety at all.
Send the article that reminded you of them. Ask if they saw the movie you want to watch. Text them and ask how work is going. Even something as simple as “How are you?” can go a really long way.
Sometimes they may want to talk about sobriety. Other times they may just want to vent about their boss or tell you something funny.
That normal check in matters.
I will admit, some people who constantly checked on me when I was drinking stopped once I got sober. At first I took it personally. But eventually I realized their discomfort with my sobriety had nothing to do with me.
So if someone in your life got sober and you feel awkward about it, push past that and check in anyway. They are going through a lot more than your discomfort with accepting the new version of them.
And speaking only for myself, I do not care if you still drink. My sobriety is mine. I am never going to force it onto someone else.
Create Safe Spaces Too
If inviting someone to a bar feels uncomfortable for you, that is okay too.
Maybe you do not want to feel responsible. Maybe you are worried about triggering them. Maybe you just do not know how it will affect the dynamic of the night.
If that is what your gut is telling you, create other spaces for connection.
Host an alcohol free game night. Do a bonfire. Have a movie night. Plan brunch. Go for coffee. Take a walk.
If you really care about having your sober friends in your life, create moments where they can show up fully relaxed and comfortable.
It does not have to be complicated. Sometimes the most meaningful support is just giving someone a space where they do not have to think so hard.
It Goes Both Ways
I also think it is important to say that support is a two way street.
It is not your job to constantly make sure your sober friend is okay.
In early sobriety, yes, give a little grace. People are learning how to rebuild their lives and sometimes that means they need to be a little selfish for a while.
But sober does not equal selfish forever.
Your sober friends should still be showing up for you too. They should ask how you are doing. They should celebrate your wins, support your hard moments, and be a real friend in return.
If you ever feel like your support is being taken advantage of or the relationship has become one sided, it is okay to say something.
Healthy friendship still matters in sobriety.
We cannot expect to be treated like everyone else if we are not also doing the work to maintain the relationship.
Keep It Normal
At the end of the day, the best advice I can give is simple: keep it normal.
We are still the same people you loved when we were drinking or using. We are just trying to make our lives better.
Honestly, I think I am a much better version of myself in sobriety. My mom and dad would definitely agree.
There is a lot of change happening when someone gets sober. Our minds are changing, our routines are changing, our social lives are changing, and we are letting go of something that had a hold on us for a long time.
When I first got sober, what I wanted most was normalcy.
If I wanted to talk about sobriety, I would bring it up.
Otherwise, just talk to me about your day. Tell me about work. Tell me about your family. Tell me the ridiculous thing your coworker did. Make me laugh.
Show me that you still want me in your life.
That, more than anything, is what support really looks like.
I just happen to be sober now.
*These tips for helping are for those already in sobriety. The truth is, you can’t force anyone to get sober. They have to want it for themselves. If someone you love is struggling, give yourself some grace too. They may want to get better for the people in their life, and that can be part of what motivates them, but lasting sobriety has to come from within. At the end of the day, they need to choose it for themselves. It took me 20 years to truly understand that. If you think someone has a problem call al-anon for expert help at 1-888-4AL-ANON.
We have always loved you, but sometimes we didn’t like you when you were drinking. We are so proud of the person you have become in the last few years being sober. We know all your dreams will come true. Love Mom and Dad