Confidence. Relaxation. Friendship. Fun. Celebration.
These are the words I used to associate with drinking. As a shy gay man, I thought I needed alcohol to loosen up, to make friends, and honestly, just to have fun. For me, it became a trickle down excuse to avoid getting sober. I told myself that if I quit drinking, I would not have the confidence to meet people because I would not be relaxed enough to talk to someone. Then I would not have the friendships to have fun with, and that would mean I would not have anyone around to celebrate milestones with.
All of these things I imagined alcohol would give me were, well… bullshit.
And yet, when I finally stopped drinking, I found all of them in sobriety.
The Confidence Sobriety Gave Me That Alcohol Never Did
I am an introvert in many ways, but an extrovert in certain situations. My confidence was always tied to my profession. I was an actor, and a good one, so on stage I could exude confidence effortlessly. If someone needed direction or wanted me to show them around, I could guide them through New York City like a professional.
Where I lacked confidence was in my social life. Rejection in auditions or from someone I was performing for was fine. But the fear of rejection from a new friend or a potential partner sent me spiraling inward. I could not handle personal rejection, and I believed alcohol was the only thing that could help me manage it.
While I was in active use, I thought I was not cute enough, not funny enough, or not likable enough. Let’s be honest, the gay bar scene can be pretty petty. I would see guys with the so called perfect body or overly confident personalities, and I needed booze to make me think I was like them. I thought I was more attractive after a few drinks. I had the confidence to talk to guys I normally would not. But eventually I would get rejected anyway, usually because I was a drunk idiot. And let’s be honest, I did not get prettier as I drank more. No one does.
In sobriety, I have more confidence in myself. Do I still have self doubt? Absolutely. Do I still get insecure around guys I find attractive? Of course. But I now have the confidence to message someone I normally would not have on a dating app. I dated someone for a few months that the old me could not have talked to without booze.
My confidence in being interesting and funny is no longer my biggest insecurity. If someone is not interested in me as a friend or partner, I can brush it off and say our personalities were not the right match and move on. And I can honestly say that only happened because I got sober.
I Can Finally Relax in Sobriety
It is so common to finish a stressful workday and think, I cannot wait to have a drink and relax. Or to say, I needed this after the day I had. I was definitely one of those people. Honestly, any day, good or bad, was a reason for me to drink. Like many people, I drank to unwind.
The truth is, we are not unwinding. We are numbing. The stress from work does not disappear. It just waits for you the next day. Alcohol might temporarily improve your mood, but I always woke up with a headache or a hangover, stressed about what might have happened the night before. I worried someone at work would smell alcohol on my breath. That is how I started most mornings, stressed and hungover. And blackouts made it even worse. I would spend the day worrying about what I said or did.
In sobriety, stress still exists, but I handle it better. I can sit with it. I use things like meditation to relax. I have replaced booze with music, movies, and a nice cup of tea. When I leave work now, I do not carry the stress with me the same way. Sometimes I am tired or a little crabby, but I am able to leave most of the stress at the door.
Most importantly, I wake up without the added anxiety of the night before. For the most part, I feel relaxed and grounded. And it feels really good.
My Friend Group Is Now Quality Over Quantity
The bar scene made me envious of guys who seemed to have a ton of friends. I would usually walk in alone and see groups of gay men enjoying each other’s company. That was what I wanted. I did have friends, but they were from different parts of my life and never really overlapped.
I wanted that Sex and the City style friendship. I wanted to walk into a bar and have people excited to see me, even if they were not part of a core group. What I really wanted was a TV version of friendship.
When I first got sober, I did find that group in the form of the Heathers. Yes, we were a very stereotypical group of gay men named after a campy 80s movie. They were already formed when I joined, so I was kind of the outsider at first. But they were not mean at all. They accepted me for who I was, and they were genuinely fun.
I also found an amazing group of LGBTQ people at my Tuesday meeting who would go out together afterward. Even after I moved from Minneapolis to New York, many of them stayed in touch.
The number of friends I have has not changed. My sober friends replaced my drinking friends. The difference is the connection. It is deeper. My friendships are no longer just surface level conversations about pop culture or who we think is hot. Yes, we still talk about those things, but we also talk about life, recovery, and what we are going through. We support each other.
When I was drinking, a lot of friends would disappear if someone more attractive came along. That does not happen now.
Believe It or Not, I Have More Fun in Sobriety
Many people who are newly sober say things like, I am afraid I will get bored or sobriety sounds boring. I was one of those people. I had no idea what I would do outside of the bar scene. How was I going to do anything without a drink?
Not going to lie, drinking can be fun. We did not start drinking because it made us feel bad. We did it because it gave us a buzz and made things easier. It gave us courage, helped us socialize, and helped us unwind. But that fun is short lived. If you are an alcoholic, it eventually becomes habit and work.
In sobriety, I have had more fun than I did when I was drinking. Probably more fun than I have had since I picked up my first drink. I do fun things all the time. I truly enjoy simple plans like going to the movies. I appreciate low key experiences more than parties.
Since quitting drinking, my mind is clearer and more positive, which means almost anything can be fun. Do I still get bored sometimes? Yes. Do I occasionally wish I could still get tipsy? Sure. But I acknowledge it, move on, and find something else to enjoy. Theater, movies, drawing, writing. The list goes on.
Sobriety is about retraining your brain around what fun actually is. It takes time, but once you get there, it really is fun.
The Celebrations Are Abundant in Sobriety
Early in my sobriety, this part worried me the most. Alcohol promised celebration. Birthday parties, drinks after a promotion, wine for anniversaries. I forgot that you can celebrate without booze.
But you celebrate so much in sobriety. Not just your own milestones, but other people’s too. In meetings, someone shares they have a day sober and everyone cheers. Someone hits a year and the room celebrates. I once shared that I had seven months and six days sober, and people started clapping in the middle of my share.
Every day is a celebration in sobriety. It is celebrating your accomplishments, getting your life back, and watching others succeed. That joy is real and fulfilling.
Special occasions are better too. People show up to my birthday parties, and I do not embarrass myself. When I have a going away party, people are genuinely sad to see me leave. Whether it is a milestone or a small win, there always seems to be someone ready to celebrate you. That is an incredible feeling.
Alcohol Promised a Lot, But Sobriety Delivered
Alcohol promised confidence, relaxation, friendship, fun, and celebration. In the beginning, it seemed to deliver. But none of it was real. It was surface level and easily taken away.
Sobriety did not magically fix everything overnight. I still struggle with confidence sometimes. Life is still stressful. Boredom still happens. Loneliness still exists. Celebrations do not always feel joyful when you are dealing with personal challenges. That is just life.
But living a sober life has given me far more than alcohol ever did. My mind is clearer. I can handle stress better. I remember the fun nights and the celebrations. And when things are hard, I am actually present for them.
None of this happens overnight. Sobriety takes time and work. But what you get in return is real. And it is worth it.
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